It has been quite some time since my last post. I have several in my drafts, like at the beginning of the year etc, but they just didn't seem to have the umph that I am used to, so I bailed on them. Not entirely sure why...
OK - so maybe I do know why!
It has been hard to keep moving with this blog. The skills are there, but since I am on this whole new path with PTSD and an all new target behavior that I hadn't realized was there with the whole noisy mess of suicidal idealization going on (on what seemed to be a weekly basis) I suppose I felt that since I had actually gone an entire year with only 2 incidents of target behavior and neither of them life threatening, I felt like I was "better". And although I am better in so many ways, I certainly don't want to take away the celebration in knowing and seeing how far I have come, I just wanted to be OK with having gotten better and I really was (and a bit still am) reluctant to see that this path to recovery was not a mountain but rather a mountain range. I sometimes feel like I am on an endless range with dark crevices and steep, crumbling walls. You can picture it, getting to the summit of the mountain only to see that another mountain lay ahead. You work like hell to get to the top of that mountain with great eagerness and anticipation and guess what? ...
Another mountain. I was sort of feeling knocked down a bit to see another one. I even rejected the idea that it was there...as if you can close your eyes and start walking and not fall into a crevice or run smack into a cliff wall. It was definitely denial.
But - here I am...facing the beast. In all reality this "beast" isn't that bad. At least compared to what I have been through. Using DBT I can set a broken record comment to that effect, recalling that I have been through worse and that I can get through this too.
So I broke out the journal (dusted it off) and checked my: