Sunday, July 1, 2012

Where does this line lead....

I have taken many pains to trace backward my current experience. I have been focusing on taking care to understanding why I seem to be struggling more lately.

Self esteem.

While I have addressed this during my stages of DBT, I do see I have more room to improve in it. I am surprised to have discovered that the way that I view myself is the anchor that has dug into the bottom of the ocean. Everything that happens from that on determines where my boat floats. I have traced this fluctuation of over-eating to over-drinking to over-spending and back around to over-eating (or under eating, privately eating and privately purging) Really that kind of eating is termed Emotional Eating, it is not mindful eating, which has always been a goal of mine that seems to need perpetual attention. Of course this understanding really shouldn't be a surprise, I mean how many times have we heard that self-esteem is the bases for our perception of life and that our only limitations in life are our perceptions. Never-the-less, I was surprised to come to understand how controlling self-esteem is. 

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Has my imagination run-a-muck?

The Art of Being an Artist: Thunderstorms at Juno Beach

Mental Illness can be like a storm. One that creeps up on you or can be felt coming on for awhile. Either way it is a storm that smashes you against rocks, buries you in ten feet of snow, dumps torrential rain on your head or sucks you into a tornado.

For ones that do not experience storms of emotions like that are incapable of knowing what it's like to be in the eye of it. They want to know, they even have extreme empathy...

But they cannot know what it is like.
We do.

Our loved ones, our supporters - love us and care deeply for us. Unfortunately, and at great disappointment for themselves, they cannot relate. 

Allow me to correct myself...

Mental Illness IS a storm.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

The mountain climber in me...

It has been quite some time since my last post. I have several in my drafts, like at the beginning of the year etc, but they just didn't seem to have the umph that I am used to, so I bailed on them. Not entirely sure why...

OK - so maybe I do know why! 

It has been hard to keep moving with this blog. The skills are there, but since I am on this whole new path with PTSD and an all new target behavior that I hadn't realized was there with the whole noisy mess of suicidal idealization going on (on what seemed to be a weekly basis) I suppose I felt that since I had actually gone an entire year with only 2 incidents of target behavior and neither of them life threatening, I felt like I was "better". And although I am better in so many ways, I certainly don't want to take away the celebration in knowing and seeing how far I have come, I just wanted to be OK with having gotten better and I really was (and a bit still am) reluctant to see that this path to recovery was not a mountain but rather a mountain range. I sometimes feel like I am on an endless range with dark crevices and steep, crumbling walls. You can picture it, getting to the summit of the mountain only to see that another mountain lay ahead. You work like hell to get to the top of that mountain with great eagerness and anticipation and guess what? ...

Another mountain. I was sort of feeling knocked down a bit to see another one. I even rejected the idea that it was if you can close your eyes and start walking and not fall into a crevice or run smack into a cliff wall. It was definitely denial. 

But - here I am...facing the beast. In all reality this "beast" isn't that bad. At least compared to what I have been through. Using DBT I can set a broken record comment to that effect, recalling that I have been through worse and that I can get through this too. 

So I broke out the journal (dusted it off) and checked my: