Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Anniversary

Anniversary's are days to reflect, reminisce, cry, celebrate and look forward to. Obviously the nature of the anniversary would depend a lot on whether you would cry or celebrate or do both! Because we must remember there are tears of joy, even if we haven't experienced them in a long time. 

For me, I did a little of all, except maybe some looking forward. Oddly enough I typed "looking forward" because I know that certain anniversaries we do very much look forward to, yet I also realized in that moment, that I never do. I don't ever look forward to this particular anniversary. Although it is one that for every year that goes by is cause for celebration, you would think that I would look forward to it. Every year is proof of accomplishment. For this I do feel proud. Or at least, "should" feel proud. 

Weird that I don't.



So... reflection. I use this to gauge where I have been, how far I have come and where I am going. Today however it feels all too tiring to think about any of that. Yesterday was my anniversary and I find that I am almost avoiding to think about it. There were no presents to buy, no parties to plan. I also had no idea how I was really feeling about it until I sat down to write this post. 

I am surprised to note a bit of melancholy swimming around in my heart. But the truth of the matter is I am grateful. I am thankful I have made it this far and I do count as a blessing every single day that passes by. Keeping the truth and the reality of it is a high priority to me, the mere premise of this anniversary brings all sorts of emotions and thoughts. To keep clear in my mind which are real and which are echo's from a past me that is no longer me. Mere shadows of a day that will be imprinted in the minds of all of my loved ones forever. 

The most humorous thing about it, is that my mother had to remind me of it. I mean I knew in my mind's eye that it was coming, but it was my mother to make first mention of it and away my brain went with it. You see, my mother makes a point of every year that goes by to thank me for staying with life. She thanks me for all of my efforts and all of my hard work. I am deeply grateful for her.

Although yesterday is gone now, I will commit to reminding myself of what I am grateful for so that I may start to look forward to the next anniversary and then the next and then the next.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the day I kept breathing...


MJ