Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Cat got my tongue?

I have been putting this off, in a really sad way. Something snapped a few weeks ago. I just didn't want to do this blog anymore. Period. 

No rhyme or reason to this overwhelming feeling. It was just there. I told AJ that I wasn't sure whether I wanted to continue with My DBT Life. He listened and told me that I didn't have to decide right away and that whatever I decided he was going to support. Which was very loving. Then I let it go from my mind. Every time it crept in, I pushed it away, not wanting to deal with it. Until...



I get email updates when someone posts a comment and I saw a comment posted to a post that I didn't recognize. I was curious, thinking perhaps Blogger had some tweak. Low and behold I see that it was AJ that posted it (and, no I was not mad). But it did force me to think through what I was putting off. Was I going to dump over a years worth of work? Or was I going to push through this set back? Sure, legitimately this sickness that has been slowly squeezing the life out of me has an impact on this, but if it wasn't that I am certain it would have been something else. 

So in true DBT spirit I used a pros and cons list. What were the pros of keeping the blog and what were the cons of keeping the blog.

The skill was useful enough to set the action in motion that I was going to keep it and work through whatever this discontent with it is, but I still feel completely deflated. I have a lot of judgments about the blog and my ability to make any sort of dent in mental health awareness or mental health growth for myself or others. However, taking them for what they are I decided to let them be. They are judgments and that is all. They are not some all powerful enforcers to what decisions I make in my life. Although at times I empower them with that ability, the reality of my situation is that I am in the driver seat here, not my judgments. 

Understanding this about my situation I see this set back as just another day in My DBT Life. Of course the taste of something out there past this blog has also made me acutely aware that there is so much more to life than DBT. I mean, I always knew that anyways, but I realized I do not like eating, breathing and sleeping DBT skills. DBT helps paint your life with color and hope and over time the principals of it will seep into every aspect of life, but the skills are not life. They are what you use when life spreads you a bit thin, or when the luster of life fades. No one is able to live for DBT without burning out.You cannot sustain any sort of valuable change in your life with just the skills. We can learn them, memorize the acronyms, and spit the skills back out when prompted, but that in of itself does not create that life that is worth living. That life starts when the skills do not run your life anymore. That life that is worth living comes when there is something more than DBT. 

After much analyzing of my current situation I am fully convinced that this hurdle has presented itself because I made a commitment with myself to address the trauma issues in my life. I firmly believe that this is the mountain I have been keeping out of the line of sight by averting my eyes. It has an evil ability to sneak up behind me and shove me over. I fall face first, stand-up, brush off and in a dazed confusion I keep moving forward. But to where? Where is my forward leading me? I believe it is leading me in circles around the  base of this monster. Round and round I go, just looking for something better. More enjoyment out of my life. 

I recently watched a documentary about Mt. Everest and the lives it has claimed. Watching these people climb this amazing piece of earth was something else to say the least. What sort of condition must their bodies be in to be able to successfully make it to the summit, where once they are there they can look in all directions and know that they have truly conquered because they are at the tip of the world. The highest point on the globe. The air is so thin that it isn't even an option to not use oxygen. The amount of people who have lost their lives in attempt to overcome this most formidable challenge is odd to me. Why would you put your life at risk for a climb. But this thought from a girl whom suicide seems to be a viable solution to her problems. Yea, you know calling it my "problems" just doesn't quite say it, does it? They aren't "problems" really, I mean a problem is something that has a solution. If suicide is not a solution, then what I experience can not really be called a problem can it? Anyway, Mt. Everest... if a person needs serious training to be in the proper condition to live through the climb, then it stands to reason when we are dealing with the Mt. Everest's in our private lives that we too need to be in optimal condition, these metaphorical Mt. Everest's can only be traversed if we have trained. Really for me not to face this demon I am essentially saying, "Alright I have trained for this climb, but I think I will stay perpetually camped at base-camp." No one would really do that if it were a real mountain, right? 

My training has brought me this far, I am heading to camp #2. Whatever that looks like, I will plan and plot my trip to camp #3, but for now, I commit to allow this portion of my climb to "look" like whatever it is going to look like. I have no preconceived ideas as to what to expect, because this cannot be like all the other times I have made this attempt. It cannot be the same because I honestly do not know how many more times I will survive "attempting" it. It is the summit or bust. Well, perhaps not that far just yet. I need to take this in progression. One step at a time.

Commitment

If I gave up on My DBT Life now, then I wasn't really all that committed to this work. Without the anchor that My DBT Life provides me I will not make it to my goal. It is as simple as that. This blog helps me to keep my skills sharp so that when I do need them, they will come at little or no effort. My hope is that others find this blog useful as well, for their own reasons. But even if my worst fear were true and no one else benefited from this blog, at the end of the day the truth is this simple: I need it. 

Thank-you for tagging along for this ride for however long you have thus far. I know some of you have been here since the beginning and for that I am truly blessed to have you. 

MJ