Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Did you say candle or flamethrower?

There was a wonderful post over at Building a life worthing living about lighting a candle. In it she posts a quote, "It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness" I love this quote. It is rather profound really. I  mean lighting a candle is so simple. It doesn't take a whole lot of effort, right? 

I am going to venture a guess that most of us believe that to be very logic mind based. If we were to analyze the effort and resources that one would need to carry out the act of lighting a candle it would indeed be simple. However, our emotion mind steps in and reminds our logic mind that although the logistics of lighting the candle may be simple, but finding the "candle" to light is the difficult part, in fact may even be impossible. This would be very accurate of our emotion mind, case in point, in this same blog, the poster posted how hard it is for her to keep "singing" directly after the upbeat post of the candle. So this would prove how hard it is to find that candle, this quote is even being displayed in her home, so if it were so simple as to retrieve a candle from the closet and light it, then wouldn't it stand to reason that her suffering, her pain wouldn't be so intense right now? I use her as an example today, because I too am struggling pretty badly in the moment and this moment is lasting for days and her words seemed to sum them up better than I could formulate. Also, I use her example because when my crash hit yesterday I kept repeating to myself as I sank deeper and deeper into my darkness, "Just light a candle, MJ" After a few hours of this lame attempt to bring myself up by a bit with cheer-leading statements I ended up screaming at the top of my lungs that there was no (choice words) candle to be found. In fact the only thing I could think to use as this proverbial candle was:

Flamethrower to light of up my darkness, and light it up it did. It set everything on fire. Everything. As I laid there watching it all go up in flames I wondered, "Is this really what the quote means? Sure it isn't as dark anymore, but it sure is a heck of a lot hotter and more destructive" No, it was decided, this was not what the quote intended to stir in someone. 

OK, so what to do? Honestly? I don't know yet. So I revert to DBT skills. Tolerate. I need to tolerate this moment until it passes. So, I am going to hold my pattern, post everywhere my eyes can see around my house:

"OBEY THE LAW OF IMPERMANENCE"

Nothing is permanent. Nothing. As horrible as this feels right now, IT WILL PASS. When it does, then I will regroup and figure out my next step. I have a sneaky suspicion that my new mountain has a lot to do with this most recent crash, when I am out of my darkness and I have extinguished the flames from my "candle" I will elaborate on this mountain.

Cheers - give a smile for you, for me, for everyone suffering.

MJ

Here is my mountain, and look! You cannot even see the top!