August 29th - September 5th, 2010

THIS WEEK:

Regulating undesirable emotions

• Stop


• Breathe


• Reflect


• Choose

STOP - perpetuating the cycle

BREATHE - in and out

REFLECT - on what is actually happening

CHOOSE - something within your control

STOP:

• Stop yourself from reacting habitually. Notice the impulse to react automatically but don't act on it. Do nothing. Use the impulse, urge, or intense emotion as your cue to pause.


• Stop feeding the unconscious reactive pattern. The first step in getting yourself out of a hole is to stop digging.


• Stop spiraling. Break the cycle of the pattern by becoming aware of the pattern. Observe or witness it rather than being swept away by it.


• Stop identifying with the content of the thoughts and instead shift to noticing the process of thinking. "Oh, I am doing that thing with my mind again"

BREATHE:

• Breathe in, bringing fresh oxygen into your body. This stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system (aka "The relaxation response"). The result is a slowing of your physiology and a reduction of stress hormones and neurotransmitters flooding your body and brain.


• Breathe out, allowing tense muscles to soften and release. This interrupts/short circuits the feedback loop of physical constriction fueling the emotional reactive pattern.


• Breathe in, diverting your attention from upsetting thoughts to the physical sensation of respiration.


• Breathe out, grounding yourself in the present moment. This anchors your awareness in the here and now - helping to keep you from getting swept away by habitual patterns of dwelling on the past, worrying about the future, or resisting what's going on now.

This is Phase 1 of the skill. It may sound simple and in content, there really isn't much. However, actually doing this small bit is quite the opposite to small and very little content. So work on these two steps this week. Stopping and breathing may be something that you are often told to do, but break it down into these steps. Maybe print the above lists and the next time you feel that descent, read it straight from the page. Get familiar with those patterns that begin the cycle. Practice your breathing based on the information above, sometimes realizing that the breathing is actually doing something that is scientifically proven to increase calmness, it makes it easier to do it. Rather than just knowing that you "need" to. Once you have got yourself to the reflect and choose part, feel free to continue the skill on what you can deduce is involved and next week we will cover them in-depth. Make sure to notice how you respond to your increased awareness while you are attempting this skill and remember as with any new skill, or one that you are working on, it won't go perfectly and every time you have a chance to work with it and you notice one thing more about your own patterns is progress and don't short change yourself for that! Give yourself credit for every step of the way and learn something more the next time, all these bits will add up to something BIG!

GROUP: Monday, August 30th, 2010 @ 5p.m.

This week will continue our discussion about self-talk and how it can increase how effectiveness with mindfulness. Remember, the time for group has changed for this week, it will be held at 5p.m. instead of 2p.m. PDT. Hope to see you all there!

MJ ~ mj@mydbtlife.com

*Come discuss this weeks post with the group here*

Thank you for being an important part of My DBT Life . com!

To benefit fully from our online peer-support group please:

1. Subscribe to our weekly blog – http://www.mydbtlife.com


2. Follow us on Twitter for frequent mindfulness Tweets – @mydbtlife


3. Join our forum for Peer-Support & discussions about the weekly post – Forum


4. Join our Face Book page to increase awareness of our services – F.B. PAGE

If you would like to help in financially supporting our efforts please visit our Donations page to find out – How are my donations used?

If you can’t help financially at this time that’s OK! You can still help out:

• Post a link to http://www.mydbtlife.com on any page that you own: Face Book, My Space, Twitter, Your BLOG or Your Website- Every link helps us reach the ones who need these services!


• Volunteer some of your time as a moderator in our forum. If you are certified as a peer-support person or just a friendly listening ear with experience, all are welcome to donate their precious time to help others in similar situations. Please E-mail us for more information!

Thank you!

August 22nd - 29th, 2010

THIS WEEK:

Your recovery check-list:

1. Improve my ability to see clearly & interpret accurately.


2. Stay true to my values, desired outcome, & ultimate purpose.


3. Accept reality as it is, not as I wish it were or think it should be.


4. Think less in terms of failure and more in terms of feedback.


5. View myself and others with more understanding and compassion, & less judgment and blame.


6. Take responsibility for getting my needs & desires met.


7. Respond reflectively vs. react reflexively.


8. Think less in terms of "right/wrong", "good/bad", or "true/false", and more in terms of what is effective.


9. Focus & act on what is within my control to change.


10. Stay flexible & open to alternatives if what I am trying is not working.

On a daily basis, look over your list, and be mindful of what each one means for you.

Last week I referred to "Letting Go". This last week, I have sent out on twitter what letting go is, and what it is not. I will include it in this weeks post. This was given to me during my time in therapy and preparing for peer-support. It is anonymous.

~Letting Go~

To let go does not mean to stop caring,

it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,

it is the realization that I cannot control another.

To let go is not to do for others,

but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit some powerlessness

and to recognize that the outcome is not in my hands alone.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,

it is to make the best of myself.

To let go is not to care for,

but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,

but to be supportive.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all of the outcomes,

but to allow others to effect their own destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,

it is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,

but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,

but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,

but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to regret the past,

but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

There will be a group tomorrow, Monday, August 23rd, 2010 @ 2p.m. PDT. We will continue on the subject of self-talk.

Hope to see you all there!

MJ ~ mj@mydbtlife.com

*Click here to discuss this weeks post with the group*

Thank you for being an important part of My DBT Life . com!

To benefit fully from our online peer-support group please:

1. Subscribe to our weekly blog – http://www.mydbtlife.com


2. Follow us on Twitter for frequent mindfulness Tweets – @mydbtlife


3. Join our forum for Peer-Support & discussions about the weekly post – Forum


4. Join our Face Book page to increase awareness of our services – F.B. PAGE

If you would like to help in financially supporting our efforts please visit our Donations page to find out – How are my donations used?

If you can’t help financially at this time that’s OK! You can still help out:

• Post a link to http://www.mydbtlife.com on any page that you own: Face Book, My Space, Twitter, Your BLOG or Your Website- Every link helps us reach the ones who need these services!


• Volunteer some of your time as a moderator in our forum. If you are certified as a peer-support person or just a friendly listening ear with experience, all are welcome to donate their precious time to help others in similar situations. Please E-mail us for more information!

Thank you!

August 15th - 22nd, 2010

THIS WEEK:

What do emotions do anyways?

• They punctuate, imprint or embed perception and experience in physiology (implicit memory). They make a "lasting impression" - much like a hot branding iron sears initials into its recipient.


• They can exaggerate or amplify details; distort memory or twist facts.


• They communicate to/from others and to ourselves . They act as signals to send and receive useful information quickly without the use of words. Different expressions are hard-wired and act fast! This also means that they can be hard to change and they may influence others whether we intend them to or not. When the communication of our emotion is for ourself, our mind may be telling us something useful, or something that may need our attention. It could also act as a warning or an alarm.


• They motivate or energize our behavior and prepare us for action. They can help to overcome obstacles, and maybe even help us to save time; in that some do not require thought.


• They validate or corroborate and support certain assumptions, interpretations or conclusions.

Understanding what emotions are capable of doing we are better equipped to weed through the ones that are worthy of our attention, ones that we will want to fine tune a bit more and others that we will need to totally revamp altogether. Getting a hold on what emotions do for us and comparing that with what we want out of any given experience, will help us when we are interacting with our world around us and more importantly, with the people around us. Mental illness usually takes a large bite out of our social and family/loved ones lives. The latter more often than the former. If you are experiencing an emotion and you are in touch with your desired outcome, you will then be able to ask yourself if your emotion is helping or hindering your progress, are you getting what you want out of the experience? Are the emotions doing what you want them to do? If not, you'll need to refocus and see if you can't elicit another, more appropriate emotion for your experience. Understanding where our 'mind' (or self) is can help us decide whether our emotion is working for us, or against us.

We all, our loved ones included, have two selves. No, I am not trying to sell you split personality here, rather, we each have a Big Self and  a Little Self. Some traits of our Big Self are:

• Mature


• Understanding


• Differentiated


• Reasonable


• Capable of managing reactivity


• Wise


• Patient


• Compassionate


• Empathetic


• Non-defensive


• Capable of Letting Go*


• Takes the "High Road"


• Self-validates

Our Little Self:

• Petty


• Accusatory


• Irrational


• Whiny


• Self-centered


• Hyper-sensitive


• Takes things personally


• Reactive


• Defensive


• Needs to be "right"


• Holds grudges


• Takes the "Low Road"


• Co-dependent

Utilizing the concept of these two selves when you express feelings can be an effective communication tool because it affords partners the opportunity to process things that in other circumstances might push buttons and fuel conflict.

This is how a part of me (not all of me) really feels at this particular moment.

Notice that this expression, if done sensitively, is totally legitimate. It doesn't need to be judged as right or wrong, true or false. It is simply a statement of one person's subjective experience and thus, there is less need for defensiveness.

The self we most identify with fluctuates based on the influence of various factors (fatigue, hunger, stress, physical discomfort, etc.) One of the biggest factors that effects which aspect of your partner's personality you will most identify with at a given moment is how they perceive they are being treated; do they feel like they are being listened to and heard, understood, validated or dismissed, ignored, condescended to or attacked?

If both partners are coming from their "little" selves there will be conflict, standoffs and stalemates. If they are coming from their "big" selves there will be open and productive communication. One the best ways to access your partner's bigger self is to fully validate their little self. This takes an enormous amount of trust because to do so can feel quite vulnerable and counterintuitive to your own little self.

Take some time this week and really dissect this concept of our Big & Little selves. Break it down to what each of those selves look like for you individually. Then break it down to what you notice they would look like for your partner, so that you know what you are looking for and can identify quickly when your partner's emotions are from his/her "little" self, and remember the best way to motivate them to proceed to their "bigger" self is by validation. We love that word in DBT, don't we? Validation... it goes a long way. :)

GROUP, Monday August 16th, 2010 @ 2p.m. PDT:

Your mind creates your stress... that is a loaded statement, wouldn't you agree? Logically we know that how we think about our experience directly impacts how we feel about it, but does it really go as deep as our mind creating our stress? Let's find out.

Changing your mind about your world through self-talk. Which do you hear more often? Let's take an in-depth look at what we are telling ourselves and see what we can do to increase positive self-talk. We'll explore some of the ineffective contributions towards self-talk and make plans together for over-coming them. Hope to see you there!

*Letting Go - look for more on this during the coming weeks tweets!

MJ ~ mj@mydbtlife.com

*Click here to discuss this weeks post with the group*

Thank you for being an important part of My DBT Life . com!

To benefit fully from our online peer-support group please:

1. Subscribe to our weekly blog – http://www.mydbtlife.com


2. Follow us on Twitter for frequent mindfulness Tweets – @mydbtlife


3. Join our forum for Peer-Support & discussions about the weekly post – Forum


4. Join our Face Book page to increase awareness of our services – F.B. PAGE

If you would like to help in financially supporting our efforts please visit our Donations page to find out – How are my donations used?

If you can’t help financially at this time that’s OK! You can still help out:

• Post a link to http://www.mydbtlife.com on any page that you own: Face Book, My Space, Twitter, Your BLOG or Your Website- Every link helps us reach the ones who need these services!


• Volunteer some of your time as a moderator in our forum. If you are certified as a peer-support person or just a friendly listening ear with experience, all are welcome to donate their precious time to help others in similar situations. Please E-mail us for more information!

Thank you!

August 8th - 15th, 2010

THIS WEEK:

Failing well... what else can we say about it? Well, let's look at where it fits into the Relapse Cycle.



Remember, there are places to use skills on every step of the relapse cycle. It is never too late to use a skill, even if the others haven't yet worked! There is even a skill to use after the storm... Failing Well. So give it a go this week and let's hear what your experiences are with this.

GROUP:

We had to cancel group this last week, so we will give it one more week to discuss cue controlled relaxation. Whether we finish it up this week or not, we will be moving onto something else next week. Hope to see you there!

Monday August 9th, 2010 @ 2p.m. PDT

MJ ~ mj@mydbtlife.com

*Click here to discuss this weeks post with the group*

Thank you for being an important part of My DBT Life . com!

To benefit fully from our online peer-support group please:

1. Subscribe to our weekly blog – http://www.mydbtlife.com


2. Follow us on Twitter for frequent mindfulness Tweets – @mydbtlife


3. Join our forum for Peer-Support & discussions about the weekly post – Forum


4. Join our Face Book page to increase awareness of our services – F.B. PAGE

If you would like to help in financially supporting our efforts please visit our Donations page to find out – How are my donations used?

If you can’t help financially at this time that’s OK! You can still help out:

• Post a link to http://www.mydbtlife.com on any page that you own: Face Book, My Space, Twitter, Your BLOG or Your Website- Every link helps us reach the ones who need these services!


• Volunteer some of your time as a moderator in our forum. If you are certified as a peer-support person or just a friendly listening ear with experience, all are welcome to donate their precious time to help others in similar situations. Please E-mail us for more information!

Thank you!

August 1st - 8th, 2010

THIS WEEK:

Failing well.

Some may find themselves asking, "OK, seriously how can one 'fail' in a good way?"

This is common, I know that when I first heard this expression, it both touched me (anticipation that soon relief would come from the guilt and shame from my failure) and frustration (if failing was so easily written off, why am I working so hard at not doing 'it' again?)

The reactions are varying. So let's take a look at the skill of Failing Well.

When you are in DBT programs further along enough to really take a stab about Program Solving, it becomes clear right away that part of having a 'plan' is fully understanding the relapse process and ways in which you can prevent relapse and ways in which you can deal with relapse.

We'll start with relapse triggers. The following is a list of experiences that can potentially send you down that 'slippery slope' of relapse. It goes without saying of course that your first line of defense for a relapse is to have skills that you can use at any point down that 'slippery slope'; however please be realistic with yourself, no one is perfect and these skills will not work 100% of the time, and we need to be prepared for that too. Having said that, here is a list of possible relapse triggers:

• Coping with negative emotions: Having something in life, your everyday experiences be something that although it is not a full-blown 'trigger' to your underlying trauma or depression you are still having to use emotions like; anger, frustration, fear, anxiety, tension, boredom, grief or loss. Again, although these emotions on any given day may not directly be the product of an obvious trigger, however through your experiences with your mental illness, you have trained yourself, inadvertently, to process these emotions in an ineffective way.


• Coping with negative physical states: Perhaps you have physically injured yourself and are not as mobile as you are accustomed to being. Or maybe you are hungry or tired, this is a nasty spot that the cycle can begin. Why? Because here you are unsuspecting. Your alert system to possible triggers is in rest mode no doubt, or at least the volume is turned way down. So if something does come up, you risk catching it too far into the trigger, and you possibly lack the insight to reach for skills. No one can be poised and ready to attack any trigger, all the time. So the key here is in understanding that you are more vulnerable when you are suffering physically.


• Enhancement of positive emotional state: This one seems odd at face value, I mean, whats wrong with pleasurable activities? Aren't we working hard to experience more joy out of our life? As much as this may be true, this possible relapse trigger is referring to 2 possible scenarios. 1) perhaps you have just come home from a fabulous vacation, you have had freedom and celebrations, fun and joy. You may have even been able to take a bit of a break from the constant 'working' you do with your mental state. The heaviness of your 'normal' life, may be too much to cope with after a vacation like that. So again, of course it would be silly to consider not going on vacations or planning an event that would carry this type of enjoyment, but rather be aware the possible relapse risk that is associated with 'coming down' off of a vacation or enjoyable event. 2) searching out this pleasure, joy, fun, freedom or celebrations in an effort to relieve your suffering to a degree that you lose sight of the basis for reducing suffering, which of course are skills. Enjoyment and relaxation are part of skills, they are not THE skill. It can present a relapse risk if you are uneven in your distribution of positive emotional states.


• Coping with interpersonal conflict: During or after a disagreement, hassles or fights are serious relapse triggers. Especially if the disagreement or fight appears to have no resolution. The unfortunate nature of this possible relapse trigger is that it goes fast. There usually tends to be hardly any time between the fight triggering the beginning of the relapse and a full-blown relapse. Again, no one is perfect and the key lies within the understanding that this a high relapse risk.


• Minimizing: When you are struggling with a relapse on the horizon, minimizing can present a significant problem. It can be the force that shoves you down that 'slippery slope' at warp speed. If you start to reason that a little slip-up isn't that bad, that the potential negative consequence of engaging in your target behavior isn't totally detrimental. Of course we know that it isn't the end of the world, but keeping vigilant to not engage will help us to never minimize the effects of engaging in that target behavior.


• Testing personal control: Having control over your life is probably one of the highest ranking desires in making a life worth living for yourself. After-all, the loss of personal control is what is making life so miserable. However, once again an off-balance of weighing this need for control with the reality that certain things will be outside of our control and we will have to accept, can and will send us towards a relapse. So you would want to be mindful of not testing this personal control, like going to high-risk places or thinking you can "do it just once". Somehow you know that you can do it differently, or have a different result this time.


• Social pressure: This one is simple to write, yet not so simple to execute. Associating with 'toxic' people is harmful and will most likely trigger you into a relapse.


• Not using the DBT program: When we become lax and do not practice or use the skills, or we procrastinate in using them, or even avoid going to therapy or group; we are increasing the likelihood of a relapse.

Alright, so grasping what each of these possible relapse triggers would look like on a personal level will help you on a large-scale for when you do relapse. Understanding these vulnerabilities will help you first-of-all, to reduce the chances of a relapse, but secondly and more importantly it will help you to see the 'failure' for what it was: A human reaction to a very difficult experience. Your mental illness is a very difficult experience, and learning to examine deeply, the triggers in your world will dramatically increase your ability to pick-up the pieces in the after-math of a relapse and dust yourself off and say, "Alright, I see here, here and here where I can help myself the next time"  Then you will able to Fail Well. Yes you did in fact fall flat on your face, but you also can keep going and be O.K. with that, ready to start over. Next week we will look at the relapse cycle, and get an in-depth look at how failing well keeps you going.

GROUP ON MONDAY AUGUST 2nd, 2010 - 2p.m. PDT

Last week we discussed a bit about cue-controlled relaxation. However, we have a need to revisit that material this week too, so we hope to see you all there!

To attend the group join the forum here and meet with us!

MJ ~ mj@mydbtlife.com

*Click here to discuss this weeks post with the group*

Thank you for being an important part of My DBT Life . com!

To benefit fully from our online peer-support group please:

1. Subscribe to our weekly blog – http://www.mydbtlife.com


2. Follow us on Twitter for frequent mindfulness Tweets – @mydbtlife


3. Join our forum for Peer-Support & discussions about the weekly post – Forum


4. Join our Face Book page to increase awareness of our services – F.B. PAGE

If you would like to help in financially supporting our efforts please visit our Donations page to find out – How are my donations used?

If you can’t help financially at this time that’s OK! You can still help out:

• Post a link to http://www.mydbtlife.com on any page that you own: Face Book, My Space, Twitter, Your BLOG or Your Website- Every link helps us reach the ones who need these services!


• Volunteer some of your time as a moderator in our forum. If you are certified as a peer-support person or just a friendly listening ear with experience, all are welcome to donate their precious time to help others in similar situations. Please E-mail us for more information!

Thank you!