There are three factors that need to be considered when you are wanting to have an effective interchange with others.
These three factors exist in any interaction with another human.
Think of the any situation that you have been in with another human being and those three factors have not been taken into account. It just isn't possible. Your check-out at the grocery store, you had the objective to buy groceries. The cashier was extremely rude to you, what do you do? You have to weigh the factors, ask yourself, Am I going to assert myself so that he/she does not step on my self-respect, telling yourself that you do not deserve it? Or will you be cautious in your response because you care bout what that person thinks about you when your interaction is complete? Or do you stay silent and just wait patiently until your transaction is over and you won't have to see that person again. You considered all three, your relationship with the cashier, your self-respect and your objective. In small interactions these come into play, and of course in our larger interaction they come into play.
Think of the last conflict that you had that just tore you up. You feel awful about it and you cannot shake the yucky feelings. Try and reflect on what role did your self-respect have? Your objective? Your relationship with that person? We have spoken in depth about objectives and the importance of keeping them clear in mind. Last week we took into consideration our needs versus our preferences. Gathering all of this information we are ready to decide in which order those three factors should come in order to improve the chances that we will have an effective interchange next time.
Consider this, you are being taken advantage of at work by your boss. She has asked that you stay for overtime, and since she is so sure that you will do it, although she formed it in a question or request form, you know she just assumes that you will do it. So you do. This remains consistent until you have just had enough. She seems to always ask you to do the more complicated things and now with this assumed overtime you feel really walked on. When you ask her why it seems to be that you get the extra work load, she jestingly tells you that it is because she knows it will get done if she asks you and she can count on it being done right.
These are compliments from your boss to a degree. You strive to be an employee that is dependable and you have high work ethics, yet you still feel that you are being taken advantage of. You come to the conclusion that you need to say something to your boss. This is where you would need to balance our three factors and decide which is the most important?
Will it be more important for you to express to her how she makes you feel, perhaps making sure she knows that you do not deserve to be treated that way? Or will it be more important that you get her to quit assuming that you will do the extra work, that perhaps she can ask you to perform it, yet you may say no? Finally, is it the most important thing to be sure you and her have a great relationship when this conversation is over?
These three factors can get confusing to separate, unclear as to which is the most important.
TRY THIS: Take this example and I want to hear from all of you as to which order and why, you would put this in. Then, later on this week we will take all the input and take the example to the next level. Once we can brainstorm the order to put the factors in, then we will use a planner to use skills based on which factor is of the most importance, and so on. So please let's hear from you all.